A Nasty Food Surprise

Yesterday I told you about the Sanduichão (better known as Torta Salgada Fria), an enormous, savoury, sandwich cake, often decorated with large amounts of mayonnaise and tomatoes that have been cut into pretty rose shapes. Looking at the comments I think it’s fair to say that the non-Brazilians who have tried it (been subjected to it?) did not like it. Too much mayonnaise was a common complaint. But of all the comments, the one that made me laugh the hardest (in a mean way) was Brasilicana’s:

I am permanently prejudiced against the Sanduichão because my first experience with one was traumatic. It was covered in mayo (without all the veggies on top) and it was dark at the party. I cut a big slice for myself, thinking it was cake, and imagine my surprise when I tasted corn, chicken, and lettuce. BLARGH!

Ahhhh, I know it’s not nice to laugh, but I can’t help it – I’m a bad person I guess. As well as making me laugh, Brasilicana’s story brought to mind all kinds of food-surprise memories.

It does look like cake doesn’t it? With the lighting low, I’m sure we’d all make the same mistake… (Thanks to Rebecca for the link).

When I was five, I had the rather scampish habit of scouting around the kitchen in search of chocolates and sweets (candy). I was a normal sized five year old and as such, exploring the kitchen’s hidden recesses was quite an adventure. Getting to the low cupboards was easier for me than for an adult, but what adult hides goodies in cupboards near the floor? Luckily I had mastered the art of climbing a chair to get onto the work surface – that way I would shuffle along, checking each cupboard thoroughly.

On one particular occasion I struck gold! A box full of cube-shaped sweets wrapped in bright, shiny paper. I thought nothing of the slightly unusual way that all the sweets fitted perfectly into their container without any extra space. Being a (fairly) good boy I decided to check before eating these sweets in case it got me into serious trouble. I descended from my work surface and took my hard-won prize into the next room where my mum and dad were. I held up one of the sweets as asked “Can I have one these? Is it a sweet?”.

My parents exchanged a glance and then my father, with the smiling face of a crocodile, said brightly “Why don’t you try it and see?”. Clearly my innocent five-year old mind had not yet developed a sense of suspicion when things are too easy; I found sweets and they were allowing me to have one – no problems here! I went right ahead and popped the ‘sweet’ into my mouth.

Readers, it was a stock cube. A Bouillon cube. Caldo Knorr. [Mum and Dad, that siren you hear is the child protection cops coming for you]. Ah, how my happy, expectant little face must have crumpled! That day I learned several valuable lessons.

Wasabi. Avocado. One is mild, creamy and pleasant when you put a large forkful in your mouth. The other, isn’t.

Another misidentified food story comes from my brother-in-law. A native of New Zealand, he was quite young when he took his first flight overseas. Flying with a Japanese airline, he got his first taste of sushi at 30,000 feet. Nowadays he is a big fan, but at the time it was all a bit new and strange. Having picked at a few rice and fish based items, he decided to give up on this strangeness and just pop the nice big square of ‘avocado’ into his mouth… ouch!

And so to Brazil. Some time back I told you about the delicious little thighs (of a chicken) coxinha (sounds like cosh-EENYA). Creamy chicken breast-meat, surrounded by a yummy covering of mashed potato/mandioca, covered in crispy breadcrumbs. Deep fried.

Crispy on the outside, creamy in the middle. Yum!

After a few months in Rio, I had become a big fan of these rather naughty snacks. So one day, very hungry after a long day in the office, I went to pick up a coxinha from a shop near work. They guy said something about Creme but I wasn’t really listening and thought nothing of it – maybe this would be a particularly creamy one, but I didn’t really care, I was just hungry! I took a moster bite and my teeth hit something hard. Oh no. I chewed tentatively and my tongue detected something rubbery. Gristle. Cartilage. Gag reflex…

Coxa Creme is a traditional version of coxinha. It is basically a drumstick with a covering of mandioca and breadcrumbs, deep fried. I didn’t notice the bone sticking out. When you’re expecting creamy breast-meat and you get a mouthful of bone and gristle, the urge to eject all contents of your mouth (and possibly your stomach as well) can be overwhelming.

So the morals of today’s post are: If you don’t like the sound of Sanduichão then treat all cakes with suspicion until you have a positive ID. Don’t trust your parents. Learn the difference between wasabi and avocado. And inspect your coxinha carefully before taking a bite.

Coxa Creme – only obvious when you know… And why call it ‘creme’? It’s like they’re trying to trick you.