Proof that British food isn’t terrible

A little while back, Jamie Oliver stirred up a whole lot of trouble (while hungover) by describing brigadeiro and quindim (Brazilian sweets) as “a load of old shit” on Brazilian TV. A little while later, Andrew Creelman over at “What About São Paulo?” asked the question Why do some Brazilians think British food is shit? Andrew’s question was partly prompted by Jamie’s ‘foot-in-mouth’ moment and partly because plenty of Brazilians (and other nationalities) have a poor view of British food.

It’s interesting how personally we take criticism of our food, regardless of where we’re from – when I read comments like “Sorry, but British food is disgusting” I can’t help but feel a pang of indignation, just the same as Brazilians felt miffed that Jamie dissed their sweets.

Quindim – not everyone’s cup of tea.

In case it wasn’t clear already, I’m a fan of Brazilian food, but in the case of brigadeiro and quindim (a mix of egg yolks, sugar and coconut) I have some sympathy for Jamie. I know there are some foreigners who like those sweets, but to most untrained palettes they taste bland and sickly-sweet. Similarly, I wouldn’t expect anyone to like Marmite if they hadn’t grown up with the stuff. So if anyone feels like saying that Marmite is a load of old shit, be my guest (all the more for me!).

But sweeping statements like “British food is terrible” (or “Brazilian food is terrible” for that matter) are generally made by mischievous people who are looking for a rise, or who haven’t had the pleasure of tasting the best the country has to offer. I’ve defended Brazilian food in the past, so today I’m just going to put forward 2 examples in support of British food.

British Cheese

Britain produces more than 700 different varieties of cheese (more than any other country in the world apparently). Rather like all those lovely fruits that never make it out of Brazil’s Amazon region, so much of Britain’s cheese stays at home for domestic consumption. That revolting orange gloop that passes for ‘Cheddar’ in Brazil (often on top of a greasy hamburger) bears very little resemblance to the real thing.

Real Cheddar cheese looks like this on the outside…

…and looks like this on the inside.

Proper (aged) Cheddar cheese has lots of tangy flavour and a slightly crumbly texture – nothing like the cheap, tasteless, rubbery stuff you get in supermarkets. That’s just for starters – there are 699 other varieties to try and many of them are sublime. So next time you British-food-haters visit to the UK, give the Angus Steakhouse in Leicester Square a miss and instead stop in at a good cheese seller like Neal’s Yard and sample a selection.

British Condiments

A friend who works in the restaurant industry told me that a French colleague had once remarked “British food is OK, but I don’t understand why you guys insist on eating your roast meats with jam!”. The Frenchman was referring to an aspect of British cuisine of which I’m rather proud – our condiments. Roast lamb is served with a sweet and sour mint sauce and/or redcurrant jelly; roast beef is served with wasabi-like horseradish sauce; roast chicken may be served with a creamy bread sauce and so on. And though perhaps it doesn’t count as a condiment exactly, but let’s not forget one of life’s great pleasures: gravy.

Colman’s mustard dates back to 1814 and packs a serious punch.

Then there’s English mustard, Worcestershire Sauce (aka molho Inglês), chutney, piccalilli, Gentleman’s relish – the list goes on and on. All of these sauces, spreads and pickles add an amazing ‘zing’ to anything from cheese and ham to a baked potato, a sandwich or, yes, even roast meat. But don’t take my word for it – try it yourself!

HP Sauce Recipe

HP Sauce is a sweet, sour, fruity brown sauce whose prime ingredients are vinegar, tomato, dates and tamarind. It was invented in Nottingham in 1895 and today it is still hugely popular in the UK. Many people wouldn’t even think of eating a bacon sandwich without a good dollop of delicious HP, but it also goes beautifully with scrambled eggs, ham sandwiches and pretty much anything else which needs a pick-me-up.

Last time I saw HP Sauce in Rio, it was in a Deli in Leblon and it was priced at R$40 ($18, £11) for a small bottle! Now I love do love HP Sauce, but that is a crazy price so I decided to make my own. I couldn’t find dates (tâmaras in Portuguese), so I improvised by adding some mango and other fruits. I’ve been really pleased with the results, so if you fancy trying a (delicious) taste of Britain, here’s my very own recipe for HP Sauce:

Ingredients

200ml tamarind pulp/paste

6 apples

3 red onions

2 cloves garlic

Handful of prunes

1 small, ripe mango

1 x 350g tin tomato purée

450ml water

250ml white wine vinegar

3 tbsp Melado de Cana (molasses, treacle, etc)

1/2 tsp each of: black pepper corns, mustard seeds, ground cinnamon, cardamom seeds, chilli flakes

1 tsp salt

250ml cider vinegar

Steps

• If you have shop-bought tamarind pulp/paste, pour it into a large saucepan. If, like me, you can only find fresh tamarind pods, you’ll need to peel off the shells, soak in boiling water for 20 minutes, separate the pulp from the seeds and then push the pulp through a sieve. Then put the pulp in the saucepan.

Fresh tamarind needs to be shelled and soaked in hot water. Then separate the pulp from the seeds.

• Roughly chop the apples, onions, garlic, prunes and mango and put them in the saucepan along with the tamarind.

• Add the tomato purée, water, white wine vinegar and melado de cana/treacle/molasses to the saucepan and give everything a good stir.
• Heat over a medium flame, then cover and simmer gently for 30 minutes.

• Allow the fruity mixture to cool a little, then blend using a food processor until smooth.
• Grind up the pepper corns, mustard seeds, cinnamon, cardamom seeds (you’ll need to break open the pods to get the seeds out), chilli and salt. Add the ground spices to the saucepan and give it a good stir.
• Cover again and simmer for 30 minutes.
• Stir in the cider vinegar and then simmer, uncovered, until the sauce thickens to the consistency of ketchup.
• Sterilise bottles or jars and then add your sauce. The high vinegar content means this keeps well for a month or two in the fridge.

The end result might not taste exactly the same as HP sauce, but it’s very close and Mrs Eat Rio says she actually prefers it! This goes deliciously well with bacon and eggs as well as a million other things. Give it a try and then come back and tell me British cuisine sucks!